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Friday, March 12, 2010

The Gold Rush!

Dulbhul Singh was found dead in the bathroom one fine morning. The cause of death had been determined to be excessive intake of calorie rich food. Dulbhul Singh was just like every other hardworking, competitive, corporate man. Right since childhood, he had been told that the key to success was hard work and dedication, and that true happiness can be found only by means of wealth. Despite his greatest efforts, he had never managed to top his class as a kid, right throughout school and through college. He never did badly, but there were, somehow, always a handful of people who always did better than him. In this futile race of life, he spent so much time trying to beat the competition, that by the time he was 28, he could barely remember the last time he had stopped to take a breath and smile, breathe, relax and actually enjoy life.

"To hell with it!", he thought to himself... there is always time to enjoy life once you retire, that is what all the ads these days are about. Dulbhul was still struggling with his life. Although he had a good job in hand, everything that most people his age were still trying to achieve, he, like everyone else around him, wanted 'more' - of what? he never knew, but he wanted more for sure. So one day, he took a break from the usual meetings, project reports, updates, training sessions, MRMs, WRMs, MBRs, and all the other acronyms that had woven themselves into his psyche. He took a pit stop in the perpetual race he was running up the corporate ladder. He had been running after promotions, incentives, perks, revenue, growth, benefits, etc. for the last 5 years, but had still not found what he was looking for. No matter how much money he earned, he always seemed to want more. "I am still young, and still have enough ambition left in me to not want to stop", he said.

So, upon that fine day - a warm day in February right at the onset of spring, while the birds chirped in the trees and the children played in the gullies, Dulbhul sat in his 11 by 11 one room apartment, busy chalking out new ways to earn that elusive satisfaction. He had alays planned several investments - the stock market, real estate, mutual funds, insurance - everything under the sun, but today,as if that were not scope enough, he 'went the extra mile' - beyond the sun, to the stars and astrologers. Of course he lit his usual candles and broke his usual coconuts in front of his usual deities, nailed carefully upon the wall, surrounded by incense sticks and garlands of jasmine and marigold, but he also particularly appealed to each one of them individually to give him more money in this world.

While he did that, several light years away, the Gods decided to grant him his wish. They decided to give him gold coins everyday - several of them, and the quantity would actually depend on him. What they did was that they blessed him with the ability to convert food into gold, just that it had to come out the way food usually comes out once digested... yes, he started shitting Gold. Despite the excruciating pain of metal coins sliding down your anus, that is needless to mention, and the prospect of earning your bread from what used to be a waste disposal utility, Dulbhul was elated! He jumped for joy when he first felt painful yellow substance slide out his arse. "I am rich!", he yelled out. He soon started getting all the things he wanted - clothes, accessories, women, cars, land, houses, hotels - his riches knew no bounds - and if he wanted more money, all he needed to do was eat more calorie-rich food.

This kept going on till, one day, Dulbhul decided that he would be truly content only when he had produced enough money to buy the whole world. He started eating day in and day out, he spent all his money in purchasing hig calorie food, fat burners, laxatives and anti-septic cream for internal organs. As he started churning more and more gold, he realised that at this rate, he may actually be able to buy the world in just a few years. He accelerated his efforts by using all the theories of motivation he had learnt about in the dev. training sessions early in his career. He began taking anaesthetic pills and injections, so he could not feel his intestines about to explode, and had all his food brought to his custom-made toilet outlined with gold, so that he could produce the maximum amount of gold with a minimum investment of time, effort and resources He even hired six sigma experts from all around the world to do the calculations for him. The day had come when there was just one day left, according to the calculations, for him to have enough oney to buy the whole world - what he would do with it once he bought it, he had no clue. It was a day before his 42nd birthday.

As he lay in wait for the final few pieces of gold, he could wait no lnger for one more day He decided to take an extra dose of anaesthetics, laxatives and anti septic cream for inner organs, and gobbled up the food that was stocked up for the final day. As he sat on his cutom designed 24 carat gold pot seat, waiting for the final 42 coins of gold that would enable him to buy th world, his entire life flashed in front of him - the early days of carefree chldhood, the first inquisitive days at school, the numerous innocent crushes and the careless masti that used to be an integral part of life, the high school certification, the college campus fun, graduation, the joy of his first paycheck, the first girlfriend, the first kiss, the skipped heartbeats, those dazed, dreamy eyes - 22 more coins to go - the first betrayal, the first lesson learnt the hard way, the first promotion, the first car, the first house, the first step taken in the race for gold - 11 pieces left - the time he couldn't handle 'mediocrity' any more, the time he discovered his 'true need for wealth', the time he 'found his blessings' - 5 pieces left - the high-calorie diet, hi endless cellar full of defecated gold coins, empty cans of laxative, tubes of anti septic cream for internal organs - one coin left - the unbearable pain, the unparalleled anxiety, the purposelessness of purpose, the needlessnes of need, the uselessnes of use, the blood spurting out from all orifices, the knees too weak to carry his weight, the heart too weak to make the next beat, the mind unable to distinguish relaity - the last coin - stuck exactly halfway out, he would have yanked it out if he could have, but that is how thay found his body... 42 year old Dulbhul Singh; cause of death - excessive intake of calorie rich food...