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Monday, November 30, 2009

More Insomnia

Yeah well, so I managed to sleep for 2 hours and then got up n slept for two more hours. Guess, I can survive on that for now...better than no sleep at has taken a backseat lately...I remember the days when I would spend 26 hours at work... now I refuse to put in more than what they are paying me priorities have changed, I guess...My guide keeps telling me to apply for a post as a lecturer in a central university and keeps telling me about the benefits of doing so...I think I'll give myself at least another year to decide...debating whether or not to quit alcohol for some time, so that I can face reality and deal with issues as opposed to turning a blind eye... maybe I should just cut down... drink but not get drunk... think that suits me fine...I'm definitely going to start focusing on music come new on my rotting guitar skills, and brush up my vocals... finish up those pending songs n go perform getting more n more inclined towards playing soft, acoustic numbers though...there was a time when music seemed like the perfect outlet for things that couldn't be said...and then something snapped and all the music went out of me, except for the occasional spurts of interest...I feel that this might soon change...I'm glad I've started writing again, coz then the things inside don't choke you anymore... they're out on the sheet... funny how these small pixels of different shapes convey ideas and expressions so efficiently, and yet I sometimes feel that there is so much that is left out, that one can only imagine, and there is yet so much more that can't even be imagined or fathomed...things of whose existence you only have a sense of...a vague premonition...then there are those things that you are so sure of, and yet doubt it every second minute, coz you've been sure before, and yet it slipped out of your hand like stand depends on how sure I am, and the only problem is that I'm not really sure of how much things will change or not change over time...the rest is still unwritten...


What the hell... I haven't written in a long time, and thought that since i can't sleep anyway, might as well pen a few thoughts down.... or key them in rather...The past few months have been quite turbulent... twists and turns one after the other... reminds me of the first time I played a car racing video game...don't know where life will lead... a lot of pending decisions to be made... a lot of decisions made to be appended (whatever that means... just sounded good lol) seems to be at a crossroads where it is clearly asking me to stop, take a look at the 25 odd years gone by, and choose my path for the next however many years I have, I'm not growing older...but there is a certain change...Gone far away seem the days of the huge crushes and sleepless nights spent over women I never said "hi" to... far away seem those two relationships that went bad... coz I wasn't mature enough... or not stable enough... coz change was constant... and it took a turn somewhere and I couldn't keep up...gone also are the intermediate 'random' flings...Right now I just feel like I'm walking on the wrong side of the road on a highway in the middle of the night, with cars, trucks and the likes zooming past me... just about missing me... and yet, it's a lot of fun.. the thrill, the uncertainty...and it's funny how little time it takes for an opinion to is but circumstantial and experiential...thoughts and beliefs held for a lifetime slowly melt away like the glaciers in a warmer globe...but why... why now?...when everything is so fluid, so fleeting?...why this confusion? why this drama?and what now if.....? One thing I've figured out, though, is that the world goes on, and so does life, no matter what dreadful as certain things may seem, I know that they too shall pass...I know that the next three years of my time will be crucial and decisive in making me whoever i become...need to take my decisions carefully...but then sometimes I think I should just take one step at a time...I haven't written in a long time, and this feels good...I'm going to try and catch some sleep now...let's hope I do...